Yep, I'm gay. Homosexual. That is, homosexual according to which sex I'm most often attracted to. As for hair colors I'm attracted to, I'd have to call myself polysexual-- same with skin colors. And as for species I'm attracted to, I'd be monosexual (Humans. Yeah, thanks for asking). There are a million components of my sexuality, just as there are in every person's (yours, Mother Teresa's, David Bowie's, etc.). Though vast, my sexuality makes up just one part of my entire identity! Being gay is one piece of the pie, one flower in my garden, one line in my song.
I've been "out" for a good long time. It was a slow process-- I started coming out to immediate family and close friends around 2008. Coming out to new friends and acquaintances became easier for me in 2011. Last year I came out to my professors and classmates. You may have noticed my updated "interested in" status on Facebook, which I declared just last month. All of these are milestones of a sort, I suppose. Knowing about my sexuality may or may not be a surprise to you. If you are offended that I didn't tell you personally, I apologize. It's been nerve-wracking to consider broaching this subject with some of my family and friends because it's a topic that's distressing to some and uncomfortable to many. If you have misgivings or issues with what I say here, please approach me about them. Let me share this flower with you.
After being invited by one of my professors, I created a presentation called What Educators Need to Know about LGBT Issues and People and I've been able to share it to a few different groups of people (you can even listen to the audio and view the slideshow by clicking the links in this sentence). I always start the presentation by passing out cookies and then coming out as gay. There's a reason I do these things together, and it's not to see how many people spit cookie crumbs out of shock. I give cookies and come out at the same time to draw the comparison that coming out as gay shows the same sentiment as giving out free cookies. I'm sharing a part of myself, which can be difficult. But it's worth it to me because sharing yourself usually strengthens relationships. You, as a reader, now know something more about me and that's a gift. You're welcome!
I make this distinction because, in my experience, many people react with pity when I come out to them. Some people say things like "I'm sorry, that must be difficult to deal with", or "Wow! You must be such a strong person to be okay with that part of yourself." I realize these reactions come from a place of caring, but they're inappropriate. Why? Because I just gave you a gift! The best reactions I've gotten have sounded something like this-- "Okay. Thanks for telling me. I still love you!" Some people discover they love me even more after I've told them; this just happens when you know more about a person. There's no reason to pity a person for being gay. Please empathize with me-- experience my story and ask questions! Cry with me, celebrate with me, share your own song with me. Please don't pity me for being gay and I won't pity you for your identity either.
I'm not saying that being gay hasn't made life difficult in its own way. It has. Growing up without words or validation for what I felt inside was devastating. Living in a society that is heterosexist (look it up) isn't easy for people who experience life as homosexual, bisexual, polyamorous, transgender, etc. All that said, my being gay created afflictions in my life in the same way being tall, being raised Mormon, and being talented in piano created problems. Many of the the difficulties I've faced in life have occurred because of the society I grew up in. I choose to believe that no one in my family or community wounded me on purpose, however. In the words of one of my heroes, Joanna Brooks:
We inherit all the ways in which our ancestors and parents and teachers were wrong, as well as the ways they were right: their sparkling differences, and their human failings. There is no unmixing the two.I submit that there is no human condition that will produce only joy or sorrow; rather, they'll bring a mixture of both. I've found an immensity of joy in discovering the sexual landscape of my identity. It's also been a terrifying process at times, but "terrifying" and "wonderful" are often tied together, aren't they? Marilyn Ferguson said it best:
"Ultimately, we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom."It's a lesson I'm learning every day, but I've realized that I won't be hindered by my fears or wounds. I can heal, I can improve, I can face challenges and succeed. So can you.
If you've made it this far, congratulations! You deserve more cookies. This is the first part in a series of posts I'm writing about coming out of the closet. The next post you can expect will define the term "coming out" a little more, as well as outline what a person gains by coming out. Look forward to another post in the near future about what a person loses when they stay in the closet.
To finish plainly, I'm waiting for your responses! Get at me if you want to know more about my story or have something to share. As always, feel free to comment, email, tweet, or call me. Write a letter or show up at my door! Bring some cookies of your own to share, okay? Let's feast.
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